Tuesday, March 12, 2013
lee ryan/ Silent Night
"It has all been arranged" Bella brushed her hand over Renesmee's golden curls.
"Fine...but since I have been such a great student...let me go overseas to the Amazons..with Zafrina..for a vacation." She decided protesting was going to fail so she might as well start negotiating instead. Seems this might be a more successful approach.
"Absolutely not...you know the danger" gasped Bella.
"Just for a week...let Jake come as well I'll be safe with him around...even you know that" Renesmee smirked at the thought she might actually have success with this argument.
She knew her mother couldn't deny that Jacob was the best protection. Shapeshifter, gigantic wolf, totally dedicated to protect her life over his own. Even still, all the danger and precautions taken over the recent years, allowing this request to be fulfilled was unbelievably wrong.
Renesmee concentrated on her mother agreeing to her request over and over in her mind...and to her total amazement her mother agreed.
Looking confused, rather like she was waiting for the real answer from her mother. But no corrections, her positive thinking had worked.
"Really?" Renesmee whispered to herself, now more baffled than satisfied at the outcome.
Depart.
" Final call for Flight 398 departing from gate 7. Please begin boarding now..." announced the attendant.
" Far out Ness, why do we have to go to the Amazon? Couldn't you just go to somewhere like Tahiti or..." Renesmee interrupted.
" C'mon Jake, dont you want to wrestle some Amazon wildlife?" she giggled "Gorillas, Panthers, Alligators...bet they are more aggressive than these tame animals we have here".
He thought for a bit and concluded that it would be fun to take down a gorilla or maybe a hippo or maybe even a huge anaconda.
"Hmmm maybe, actually not a bad mission while I'm there" he smiled "You can take a photo and send it back to your Dad." He laughed and winked at Renesmee because they both knew Edward would not see the humor in their activity.
" Here we go" Excited but still miffed that they weren't going to Tahiti, Jake rolled his eyes and smirked as he handed his pass to the attendant.
Awakenings.
"Unbelievably rich blood, very acceptable Xavier." A deep voice compliments her successful collection of ripe humans from the neighboring village.
"Tell me about your Cullen's." The voice inquires as he hides in the shadows.
"I hear them in the night hours, speaking as thought they love this half breed child possessing our immortal gifts!" She cringed at the thought.
"Wolves as protectors of these Cullen's!" her disapproval increased rapidly "You need to give me your permission." She stated sharply as a violent hiss whipped the end of her words.
"What are your wishes my child?" he asked curiously.
"I want to..." hesitating a moment, Xavier tried to align the correct word to the swirling thoughts so frantically trying to escape.
" I want to...be her".
Arrival.
"Nearly there" Renesmee nudges Jacob.
"Awesome" he states in a half dazed response and then drifts back to sleep.
As Renesmee stares at the midnight sky through her porthole window, she notices the tiny lights beginning to illuminate the ground beneath her. Just as the plane lands on the airstrip a jolt shakes the entire plane.
She closes her eyes for a moment feeling relieved the long flight is over. Suddenly a strange feeling comes over her as if she was being watched. Opening her eyes she looks around and finds nothing out of the ordinary.
And then she hears it just as clear as if the person was sitting next to her, but the only person there was, Jacob. Sleeping and snoring really loudly. She looked at his mouth and waited to see if he was talking in his sleep. No reactions. She heard it again this time louder, as if completely on top of her.
"I'm waiting...for you." Undoubtedly the most terrifying voice she had ever heard.
"I know" Renesmee answered.
" You ok Ness?" Jacob opens one eyelid and looks at her.
" I need to go now:"
"Ness?..Are you..."She cut him off mid sentence.
"We have to go now."
Departing for the jungle Jacob phased into his wolf form and they darted into the darkness, on the path to The Amazons home, Jacob searching for an animal on the way, Renesmee searching for... something else.
"Nothing" Jacob thought to himself and paused for a minute.
In the distance he heard the movement but before he could process the exact location something darted at him, a stabbing pain shot into his brain. He fell to the ground returning to his human form.
"Jacob"
Focusing on the throbbing ache in his head he could make out a voice whispering. Not a stranger but not familiar either...
"Your mine now"
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hey Lee :)
ReplyDeleteFirstly let me say I am the farthest thing from a Twihard, but your story managed to entice me!
I found the images a tad distracting though. Are you going to keep them in the final copy? Or are they just for inspiration? I personally would prefer to just read a description of the items and let my imagination work its magic!
Other than that, can't wait to read the rest. :)
nope just added in for my personal image in my head because i havent seen this event before . the rest dont need pics cas ive already got the movie to set the imagery : ) pics all gone before final submission
DeleteI agree about the pictures, though I don't think you have to remove them altogether necessarily, but they need to be incorporated more if you're using them.
ReplyDeleteAlso, please make the dialogue clear - start and finish of each 'piece' of speech (some are missing making it unclear to the reader who is speaking and when.
Apart from speech marks also check it's clear which character is speaking.
What is your aim with this narrative?
I can't wait to see where this goes as I can't figure it out at present!
Esther :)
yep the pics even distract me lol, not sure where im going at the moment not sure i can answer the aim of the narrative ..i have no clue just yet ...brain function isnt yet in hyper drive but will let u know when it is : )
ReplyDeleteI'm impressed with the effort that you have put in, but I agree about the pictures, they detract at the moment from your story itself, it is good to see that you intended them only as temporary, as inspiration for your story, to give you something to draw on.
ReplyDeleteI personally have never had much of a liking of the Twilight series, so I can not provide much in the way of feedback with regards to the storyline, but from a more neutral standpoint, you have a solid starting point, something that will engage the reader and if you keep up the steady pace, you should quite easily hold the readers attention for the entire story.
There is a couple of small spelling and grammatical errors that I noticed, but I am guessing you are likely aware of them, if not I will be happy to point them out.
I'm not a fan of the Twilight series either, but I'm looking forward to seeing where this story goes .. you left the end of your draft as a bit of a cliffhanger and now I want to see what Xavier's wishes are!
ReplyDeleteYou've already managed to engage someone who doesn't like Twilight so I'm impressed with that you've written so far.
Of course there are the pictures which I found distracting and a few grammatical errors etc but I see the pictures are there for a reason and the grammatical errors are easy to fix!
ok i finally hacked away at my entire story and i say it totally felt like i was a disgruntled hair dresser hacking away at rapunzels incuttable locks. it was painful and depressing and now i can fully remember why i hate word limits!!! i made it exactly to 800 and that totally sucked eggs. but im done by 11:59 Sunday night. : (
ReplyDeletei am so sad at the missing bits im putting the whole thing on my blog page so i can embrace the rest of this super duper storyline: D
this activity was not the greatest for me and i am super glad it is over : )
peace people and a hapi easter ; P
this story totally took a turn from the original planning. i can say that it is something that u will definatley not guess from the 800 words i was confined too : D waaay better
ReplyDeleteHey Lee :) don't be down on yourself! Sorry you didn't enjoy the assignment, but you produced something that held my attention to the end so hopefully that a consolation? :)
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused by the shifts in the story (I realise that's what you mean by "missing bits" and that it was tricky to stick to the word limit!) I did find the switches abrupt, but not so much that I lost focus or didn't want to continue reading.
just for fun if any of the readers have a boring minute to spare...from this story can you tell me how the ending might pan out...before i put up the full story : ) (just have to get the whole thing saved somewhere so i know its completed)
ReplyDeletethanks much :)